OCDs about eating are the worst. I, for one, am thoroughly incapable of eating like a normal human being. I have specific, universally applicable rules that are impounded on a rather capacious spectrum of eating habits. And it is likely that I will carry them to my grave. I am shamelessly impervious to being thrown slit-eyed, accusatory looks and eyebrows being raised unnervingly high. I startle people with occasional neurotic freak-outs over OCD violations…but it is mostly their fault anyway because those situations wouldn’t have happened if they had proceeded with caution and control in the first place. I am a painful person to live with.
1. The Golden Ratio of Noodle-Eating
2 parts carb, 1 part ingredient-of-choice and a shallow base of soup. Properly looped about and contained WITHIN the external perimeters of a Chinese spoon. It is imperative to track the rate at which non-carb ingredients are being consumed so that a whole load of carbs aren’t left plain and sometimes unfit for the highest possible standards of pleasurable human consumption that the meal can provide. Noodle uncles will also never understand my dilemma about how the length of their noodle strands are always inversely proportional to my ease of ingestion. I’d like to think I have pretty rad chopstick skills but NO LIVING BEING ON THIS EARTH is born with the gift of gracefully lifting noodles the length of the Niagara Falls OUT of a steaming bowl of soup and ONTO a ceramic spoon without injuring anyone within a 1-metre radius with scalding hot splash backs. Which is why I love eating laksa. Laksa uncles chop them carby strands up so short you can eat it with a spoon. ONE SPOON ALONE.
2. Sauces Cannot be Combined
I am not sure if I have issues with double dipping as of yet. But I do have problems with people who mess around with different sauces in SEPARATE DIPPING BOWLS, which are meant for SHARING. It’s fine if you have your own little bowl of mustard, and another one of mayonnaise and you decide to smack your shoestring fry around from one bowl to the other before putting it in your mouth. Just DON’T DO IT TO THE BIG SHARING BOWLS!!! What happens when people want purified garlic chili, without your mucus-like traces of mayo in them huh? Taste buds are annihilated all because of your doing. Young children will ask questions like ‘Why do barbeque sauces have bits of mushrooms in them?’. And people like ME, will embark on neurotic rampages to wipe out all foreign traces of sauce with excessive and sometimes unnecessary dipping, until all varieties of sauce are returned to their original state.
3. Foods Cannot Touch
A continuation from Number 2 – partially because sauces of different side dishes will intermingle, forming a confusing medley that my unrefined palette is inept of identifying. As such, piling on food during buffets is a delicately honed skill via trial and error: food portions equidistant from each other and balancing plates with parallel perfection to the ground so there is no slipping or sliding of food morsels. Also, please for the sake of my obsessive sanity, do not dump pieces of your food that ‘I should try!!!’ on my plate. Do it on my spoon where it will stay uninfected by the meticulously arranged sections of food.
4. Eating Cake
Cake must always be standing upright and consumed from the tip end first. While working inwards with each forkful of cake, sometimes the cake loses its absolute center of gravity and wobbles threateningly. This is the time set the remainder of the cake flat on it’s back so it doesn’t fall down. IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE TO KNOCK THE CAKE DOWN WITH YOUR FORK A.K.A A SCENARIO THAT HAPPENED TO ME LAST WEEK:
Me: Can we make the cake lie down
Me: Like this way can you help me I’ll hold this part and-
*friend roughly pushes cake over where it hits a box’s edge and almost falls off the plate*
Me: *uncontrollably* NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mortification at its best.
5. Cutting Cake
Self-explanatory OCD that is solved by the brilliant cake divider device that is by Klipy. No more stressful guess-timation of where the sweet center spot is at, or how large slices need to be divided into. Everyone gets a fair deliverance of sugar and calories. Now someone just has to invent something to divide the toppings that usually goes on top of cakes.
6. Bread Spreads
I do take a rough estimate of 5 years to spread my peanut butter/jam/kaya on every square centimeter on the open surface of my bread. It is akin to a piece of art so yes, I will help you spread your bread too if you don’t complain about how ‘that is unnecessary’. I will throw this piece of green kaya-pasted bread in your FACE and tell you what is unnecessary.
And for all PB&J lovers. I have found the all-time solution to non-leaky sandwiches. Prepare to be blown away.